Hidden, Lost, Afraid
by Silverblacktears
Summary: Ryou ponders on the others him, songfic using Evanesences 'Lies.'


Disclaimer - Yu-Gi-Oh and it's associated characters are not mine, neither is the song 'Lies' by Evanesence . both kick ass but neither are mine. Rating - Ack I suck at these, I'd say PG-13 because it's not quite a U as Bakura's considering some quite meaningful things. There is in fact a moment that could push a 15 rating but it's very short and ambiguous to the point that people under 15 won't quite get it anyway so . meh .. Authors Note - I'm not sure where about this would take place during the series, I think it's something that could sit near enough any where until the point in season one that we're at on normal TV in the UK, namely Pegasus' castle.  
  
~*~*~  
  
~Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear Sealed with lies through so many tears~  
  
The item hung about my neck; at times, it had been my prison, when the Yami had forced me there, into that inescapable darkness that seemed to keep dragging me down into its depths. Absentmindedly, I trace a finger along one part of the simple gold and my eyes drift up to my reflection in the mirror before me, the lines of whom I am, so clearly defined, that they are hard to ignored. I remember the first time He had forced me into my prison, unable to remember what He had done, or where I had been, losing time to the monster within.  
  
~Lost from within, pursuing the end I fight for the chance to be lied to again~  
  
When, sometimes after what seems like hours in that timeless place, I was given my body back I felt unclean, corrupted by whatever had taken my freedom from me. I would stare at my reflection in a mirror, such as this one before me, trying, often through tears at times, to gleam what had happened in the lost time - yet the answers never come.  
  
~You will never be strong enough You will never be good enough You were never conceived in love You will not rise above~  
  
Inside the place, the endless dark, the timeless era, my mind turned against itself, taunting me with the idea of being weak and inappropriate, not good enough to live any more. This voice telling me that I would never be able do what I attempt and never be anything I wanted to be.  
  
~They'll never see~  
  
Most people assume that this other me, this spirit me, is the real inner me - the self well hidden by what people referred to as English breeding. None of those who judge knows what it's like to be stuck in the endless space where my own mind is my tormentor.  
  
~I'll never be~  
  
The scary thing about this Yami, the thing that always manages to affect me is the idea of His being able to keep me there! To eradicate all that is Ryou; to leave in my place, my proper place, just Bakura, my body under His control, unable to claw my soul from where it becomes trapped by Him.  
  
~I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger Burning deep inside of me~  
  
More then anything I wanted to be free; to be able to remember a time before He had been there. My hunger to be just me and somehow not be alone, alone in that space again and the desire for recognition that I was not Him! People, like Yu-Gi and the others, who can separate what is Him from what is me.. At least on the outside.  
  
~But through my tears breaks a blinding light Birthing a dawn to this endless night~  
  
As so far, every time I have been trapped I have somehow been freed; I don't know how, I've not worked it out yet but however I come to be back this ability to break out gives me a sense of hope. He can hope to keep me trapped, to use my body to His blessing but I can get out again. Hope, so fragile and, yet, so dear to those who would count on it.  
  
~Arms outstretched, awaiting me An open embrace upon a bleeding tree~  
  
Sometimes, the light just when I'm freed is like an angel, as stupid as that sounds; it is something I can aim for. Stupid simple things like the sunlight or the tiniest glimmer of any light can captivate me. Falling asleep fills me with unspoken dread, whenever there is no light I feel I am back there. I used to have nightmares, and sit up all night to keep them from me; but I got too tired doing that, and if it were dark enough, they follow me regardless.  
  
~Rest in me and I'll comfort you~  
  
When I had been about twelve, I used to love the darkness; night was my favourite time of day and I used to relish how dark my room would become, the idea of no light used to interest me. For someone with such pale features and hair I certainly spent a lot of time in the dark, be it caves, my darkened room, or anywhere where the light was not; it used to drive my father mad. Forever from the first time He trapped me, I cannot stand the absence of light; cloudy weather is all right because at least some light shines through but in that place none can be gained.  
  
~I have lived and I died for you~  
  
Oh .. How often has He told me that He died for me? Alone and scared in that endless space my mind makes what it considered logical connections; He felt He owned what is mine, my body, and He felt it His right to take control of it. But it is not! It is mine! Not His to use as He will! Why should He expect me to be willing to surrender my body to Him?  
  
~Abide in me and I vow to you I will never forsake you~  
  
Sometimes, in the unnatural dark, He promises I will be safe. At first He used this as a lure to get my inside this gold artefact but I didn't believe His words and He would force me there; one time I resisted more then He would have liked and when He forced my soul in there it was worse then before - Nightmares of this time in particular haunt me the most.  
  
There was always this concept that He would never leave me alone, another nightmare of mine; that no matter what, even if I shattered the millennium ring He would still be there! Lingering in the back of my mind, never leaving it to be truly mine again! Where once my innocence had lingered, now there was just Him, this being too smart to understand, too self absorbed to be calmed, and too complex to be classified  
  
~*~*~  
  
END  
  
Authors end note - The reason there are two paragraphs for the last one is that I had a great idea and yet couldn't bare to lose what was all ready there. Also, please leave a review, tell me it's rubbish if that's what you think but please leave me something! Afterthought - Bakura refers to his Yami with capitals for a reason, don't ask me what that reason is all I know is that it seemed to fit over all with things so I left it that way. 


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